Erotic and sensual pleasure is an important aspect of pleasure for sure. I make it a priority to keep my finger on the pulse (pun intended) of what’s happening in the world of what I call the positive sex movement which includes the latest research and trends in the field.
What’s front and centre right now is women’s pleasure and why sexual satisfaction for us lags behind that of men. Here’s some interesting stats:
Only 25 % of women consistently have orgasm during sexual encounters compared to men at 75%.
60% of women usually have orgasm compared to 85% of men.
The research tells us that women are more likely to have satisfying sex – orgasm and all - when they are in a committed, happy relationship – that seems like a no brainer. But in a world, especially for younger women, where the “hook-up” is the relatively common form of “dating” it’s not the ideal setting for women to have satisfying sex.
At the same time the most common sexual issue for women is lack of desire. Give a stat. My colleague Dr. Peggy Klienplatz comment on this is: “We have to ask ourselves - do women actually have low desire, or just low desire for the kind of sex that’s available to them?” Good question!
Expert Comment on the Issue
Dr Kilienpaltz also strongly promotes the concept that orgasm shouldn’t be the main indicator of satisfying sex. In fact, in her ground-breaking research identifying factors essential to optimal sex in the general population and in the senior’s populations, what she discovered was – the over preoccupation in goal orientated sex i.e. achieving orgasm, was a big inhibitor to great sex, and not necessarily required for optimal sex.
What to Do About It
One new resource that’s mission is to address the gap between women and men’s sexual pleasure is called OMGYes. Its offers (for a modest fee) access to videos – created and produced with women’s pleasure in mind, based on research with a 1000 women on ideas and practical techniques to help women raise the glass ceiling on their capacity for pleasure. The focus is still on orgasm, but hey there’s also a lot of pleasure to be had on the road to that pinnacle.
Some of the important skills are to be willing to try new things, explore and learn what truly gives you pleasure. The OMGYes researches say women are 8 times more likely to report satisfying sex if they can talk openly about it. Ask any man and they will tell you the frustrating reality that almost ever women is different in what turns her on – unique creatures we are! So, the onus is on us to know our own bodies and figure that out. Then the next step is to be willing to give your partner a break - tell and teach them!
Keys to Pleasure
If you recognize yourself in any of this a good place to start is to practice on what I call the “everyday pleasures”. In the Unlock Pleasure project I’ve identified what I call ” Keys to Pleasure”, at least two of them are essential in this topic
Intention – if you want to have more pleasure in your live, and who doesn’t, you need to make a conscious decision for that to be so. This translates into making it a priority including devotion of time and energy. Its begs the question: Are you willing to raise the glass ceiling on your pleasure capacity?
It’s also critical to learn what pleasure truly means to you. Not only in the sexual arena, but in everyday pleasures, we are all unique in what gets us going. There’s a lot of pressure from the media and commercial culture to tell us what should give us pleasure – that mainly being what they’d like us to buy. This imposition of expectations is particularly strong in the sexual area. Sex should look like it does in the movies or more commonly in the porn video. But here ‘s the earth-shattering news folks - for us mere humans it usually doesn’t.
I think it’s the truly radical person who dares to name and claim her or his own true pleasure. Are you ready to start the revolution in your own life?
Next entry: Pleasure - Going Deeper and Broader
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“I had signed up for the workshop with a vague idea of validating whether or not beekeeping was something I wanted to get back into, so wanted the real experience and ‘instruction’ around hive life. But I also wanted to spend time in the imaginative life of beekeeping – so the poetry, and your story of bees as a significant part of your healing journey was really important. Sensing into your relationship with them - the calm, the respect, the love – was an important part of witnessing how a relationship with bees teaches those very things. I loved how the different activities dove-tailed so well into one another. The ‘energy meditation’ of approaching the hive taught me well about respect for boundaries, and the deep purposefulness of their lives. We can co-exist beautifully as long as I ‘let them bee.’ “